Teach me how to feel

And with the last triumphant note, my career as a member of my orchestra ended. As the crowd started to clap and cheer for us, I had a feeling that I should be feeling some strong emotion of sorts, or some rush of nostalgia, but my mind was blank, as empty as a fresh sheet of paper waiting to be written on.

Then I was whisked off to say goodbye and take pictures with friends. Although inwardly my mind was blank, I rushed to take pictures with my friends to capture the moment of my last ever concert. But still, something felt a bit…off?

Did I forget how to feel?

It wasn’t like orchestra wasn’t important to me; it was, so much so that I already shed tears thinking about leaving them. But now, in the last moment of being part of the orchestra, why was my mind almost to aΒ state of indifference? Was it perhaps because I already cried about it?

Or was I just accepting that I was leaving? Did I truly?

I feel more as if I’m floating in a state of in between; not necessarily away from Montreal but not at Iowa either. It’s as if my roots are slowly unraveling from the experiences and friends here…and maybe that’s a good thing, that way when I actually drive away it’ll be less painful. But yet, while I’m still here, I feel a bit off.

I’d prefer it if I was at one extreme or the other: either completely detracted from Montreal, or completely attached to it. But here I am, in the awkward state of in between, unsure of how to feel…

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