Teach me how to feel

And with the last triumphant note, my career as a member of my orchestra ended. As the crowd started to clap and cheer for us, I had a feeling that I should be feeling some strong emotion of sorts, or some rush of nostalgia, but my mind was blank, as empty as a fresh sheet of paper waiting to be written on.

Then I was whisked off to say goodbye and take pictures with friends. Although inwardly my mind was blank, I rushed to take pictures with my friends to capture the moment of my last ever concert. But still, something felt a bit…off?

Did I forget how to feel?

It wasn’t like orchestra wasn’t important to me; it was, so much so that I already shed tears thinking about leaving them. But now, in the last moment of being part of the orchestra, why was my mind almost to a state of indifference? Was it perhaps because I already cried about it?

Or was I just accepting that I was leaving? Did I truly?

I feel more as if I’m floating in a state of in between; not necessarily away from Montreal but not at Iowa either. It’s as if my roots are slowly unraveling from the experiences and friends here…and maybe that’s a good thing, that way when I actually drive away it’ll be less painful. But yet, while I’m still here, I feel a bit off.

I’d prefer it if I was at one extreme or the other: either completely detracted from Montreal, or completely attached to it. But here I am, in the awkward state of in between, unsure of how to feel…

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