I thought I was over being nostalgic and homesick after I facetimed my family (refer to my post “On the Other Side” https://wingedash96.wordpress.com/category/university/).
But NOOOOOOOO. All it took was one worship song and tears started to form again along with the weird tender feeling my heart gets when it’s feeling like it’s out of place (if you get what I’m saying…).
So on Friday at Wallbreakers, the college ministry at my church, we sang the song “Worthy is the Lamb” and I kind of inwardly laughed at it. Not because it’s a bad song or anything but because it was the song my mom always liked to sing when our family gathered together at the end of the week. Without fail, we’d sing that song and we’d gather around our computer next to the window to the pool with my mom on the office chair, my dad on the piano seat and Chris and I on dinner table chairs. We’d read off the words from some YouTube video with really cheesy pictures of Jesus and only Mom would sing energetically.
So I went into this song with a joking mindset more along the lines of “aha, this is 엄마’s song!”
Aaand, I came out of it really wanting a hug from my mom, tears threatening to spill from my eyes, and a vulnerable spirit. (Good news is that I restrained from letting the tears come out #win).
As we started to sing the song, though, I got a sudden wave of homesickness. And for the first time, the words carried meaning.
I know you’re going to read this 엄마, so I just want to say that I get why you were singing the way you did now. And also, in that moment, wow, I just really wanted to be transported back to Montreal for a hug. It almost felt like an emptiness not to have someone holding me in that moment.
(oh geez, here comes the poetical Ashley…)
But yeah. That song made me feel really vulnerable and I was THIS CLOSE to sobbing but I decided to hold it in. I mean, I’m going to end up crying in front of Wallbreakers eventually (this is a warning for you guys haha) but I didn’t want to in that moment because it was too personal….