Rambling about Guys

Hey there. It’s been a while since I typed out my thoughts. I don’t know, there’s a difference between writing my thoughts and typing them. It’s kind of in the 느낌 (feeling) of how it feels to write. Which, by the way, I’d love to have that one Korean/English keyboard button on my laptop but that means a new laptop and money and changing everything over and whatnot…*sighs* I’m sure that there’s a way to make it happen, maybe by programming.

But this isn’t really why I came to type. My brain feels very tender, very watertight with my swirling thoughts. It’s like a plump object with a thin skin, plump with a liquid. I’m positive there’s a word for it but I’m blanking and want to get to my actual thoughts rather than the random tangents that keep on popping up.

So we watched “She’s the Man” and yes, though the movie came out before (in 2006), it reminded me of the one Infinite fan fiction I read. In the fanfic, the girl was Sungjong’s twin and they switched not for soccer, but because Sungjong wanted to get to know a girl. It was a second person story and the roommate was (who else honestly) L. And we got to meet all the other Infinite members.

“She’s the Man” was definitely more intense and man the soccer skills though (makes me want to master the sport cause dang it’s so 멋있어(impressive)). But I don’t know, I kind of liked the fanfic better? Perhaps it’s because I read it first.

One thing I liked about the movie though was when Duke (what a name…) said he wanted a girlfriend to talk about things that he couldn’t talk about with guys. I really liked that he said that. And personally, I think that it’s more than just needing to have a significant other but it’s good for everyone to have another gender friend where the relationship is purely platonic. You get a different perspective and it’s honestly very refreshing.

I’ve never had guy friends before but coming to college, I’ve been blessed with some guy friends. Being in a mostly male field (engineering) definitely contributed to that, ha ha. Regardless, I presently have some good friends who are guys.

//tangent. I’m intentional when I say guy versus when I say boy. In a way, guy for me means you know, a male person but boy has more of the connotation of someone you like? Was it society that made me think this way? Is it me just trying to clarify things? Either way, this is how I think now.

One of my closest friends is Jamel. To be quite honest, I don’t even remember when I started talking to him or when I even got his number. I don’t even remember particularly when we started talking more often. But we did and now we’re to the point where we constantly make lame jokes and text nerdy things to each other. We share music and talk about some deep stuff from time to time and do homework together and it’s great. It’s just like having a friend but he’s a guy (duh). But again, I’ve never had a guy friend before so this was like whoa, this can happen?

I actually thought at first that he liked me because I was getting close to him. Then again, at the beginning of the year, both Ela (my roommate) and I were both paranoid about the opposite gender and complete noobs and now she has a boyfriend and I have some good guy friends. So, I mean…

But about that, the paranoia that a guy friend might like me, I’m still not sure how to deal with that. I mean, I had insurance in a way about Jamel because he was dating someone but now he’s not and I don’t think he likes me (please let this be) but if it turned out that he did, I’ve gotten close enough to him that I wouldn’t want to sever our friendship just over that.

Because, well, I’ve done that before. And it’s still awkward now. His name was George and I met him briefly during orientation before school started. Then in the first week of classes last semester I met him again and both of us were relieved to see a familiar face. Then we walked to our first year engineering class together and started talking. It was funny because he was from Minnesota where the accent is similar to the Canadian accent so we’d talk about how people would point out our slight accents.

I thought it was platonic. I thought I was fine. Turns out, I wasn’t.

We exchanged numbers to work on homework together. Honestly, during those first couple of weeks, I was quite liberal with who I gave my number to. Nowadays, not so much. I won’t give it out for free and there has to be a good reason why. Which, having a homework buddy was a good reason why but George took it to another level.

He started texting if I wanted to hang out with him over the weekend. This was an immediate red flag for me. Why alone? What the heck would we even be doing together? DID THIS MEAN HE LIKED ME? But no, wait Ashley. I told him I had church every Friday and thought that’d shut him down.

Well, it didn’t. He didn’t ask about Friday anymore, he asked about Saturday. Or Sunday, perhaps? Or do you want to grab lunch together? This was getting excessive and I was extremely paranoid and freaked out at this point. He liked me and I was pretty sure about my assumption. And so, I withdrew. I didn’t sit with him anymore in class and sat by the guys on my floor.

But then, I felt bad. (WHY ASHLEY WHY). The next time I saw him after ignoring him for a while, it was in the cafeteria and I said hi just so he knew that I wasn’t mad at him. Which, this logic would work great for girls but NOT FOR GUYS. BECAUSE HE TOOK THIS AS A GREEN LIGHT FOR MORE TEXTS AND MAYBE EVEN A CONFIRMATION OF SORTS THAT I LIKED HIM BACK.

AND GUISE, I DIDN’T.

So, the texts continued. And I responded to some but then got too stressed and paranoid. And thank goodness, about then he stopped and I thought it was over. There was a good month of peace and I thought the storm had blown over but no. The week before finals, I got a text from George saying that it had been a while and he wanted to have supper with me.

NO NO NO I THOUGHT YOU WERE DONE WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS.

Fine, okay, kudos to the kid for being persistent but just STOP PLEASE. I didn’t respond. And now, he’s hasn’t texted me in a good, healthy amount of time. I’m pretty sure it’s done now. But it’s still awkward when I see him on campus. Because I never explained myself and I fled from that relationship like it was the plague. I dropped him like a hot potato but like hot as in the heat of the sun. It was immediate and I freaked out.

And now, I’m constantly checking the status of the friendships with my guy friends. I really don’t want to have to repeat that incident again. But if I do, I want to have enough guts to say it face to face to the guy. I’m terrified of the situation because I don’t want to hurt anyone but at the same time, my sanity matters. But still…

I have another friend now, Josh, that I have linear algebra with. I was pretty sure that our friendship was platonic but now I’m not as sure. A while ago, while we were working on our programming homework during office hours, he showed up dressed up and asked me if (quite casually) I wanted to get supper afterwards.

Immediately I inwardly freaked out. Why was he dressed up? Was it because this was a date? Was it just because he wanted to dress well? Wait, do guys even just dress up for the sake of it? Was this all planned? WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO. I didn’t want to say no, mainly because I was starving and I knew that I’d finish late, so I said yes. In the end, though, I left earlier than he did because I was getting too drowsy and needed to eat.

I’m not as close with Josh as I am with Jamel, so if I need to ultimately sever the friendship I won’t be as affected. But still, it would affect me. I want to bring it up but not as directly…maybe I should just drop the fact that I’m only interested in Korean boys?-

I have been confirmed in one friendship, though. Drake, from my physics class, was also in my rhetoric class. He’s the type of person I would have so liked before I became singularly attracted to Koreans: smart, funny, sarcastic, tall, good-looking. But now, he’s a friend who’s quite entertaining. I mean, the kid is super smart but then also is laid back and funny. I agree with what someone once said about him, that he was the smartest dumb person you’d meet, and dumb as in funny/weird. He’s my lab partner for physics too, so we always get to talk about random fun facts while working, like the fact that Missouri has a fault line and the Driftless zone in the Midwest.

Today I was working on physics homework with him. It was interesting: there was him and Parker, another friend from class, and two other guys and I was the only girl. I couldn’t help but wonder what my mother would have thought of the scenario, ha ha. Two people were playing Melee, the video game, while Drake, Parker, and I were doing homework. Sometime in between when I was the only one left working on the homework, Drake said something like “Oh yeah, Jillian from Mayflower. Yeah, I like her.”

And guise, this is gonna sound so weird, but THAT MADE ME SO HAPPY.

DRAKE DIDN’T LIKE ME.

I WAS SAFE. THIS WAS TRULY PLATONIC AND THANK HEAVENS THAT MEANT NO AWKWARDNESS. I knew where he stood and I was honestly so relieved. I mean, even now I’m feeling thankful about that. Thank you, Jillian, for existing. And for the record, either way I don’t think I’m his type. I was never suspicious that Drake liked me, but hey either way confirmation is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

So, a moral to the long winding path to, uh, I guess here, is that guy friends are important. Every girl should have one because it’s different from having a girl friend. Guys are different and it’s fun hearing their lingo or conversations. I’m the only girl engineer on my floor, so when we all get together to work on homework or study, the conversation is heavily male. And very interesting. I just love the way the guys talked, it was a cool yet weird mishmash of sarcasm with hints of depth and nerdiness. I could see that all of them had hidden depths (though they might deny it). And it was so nice, like seeing them in their natural habitat. I don’t think they treat me like a girl strictly. And that doesn’t mean that they treat me like a guy, but I’m just there. Not someone attractive, just another classmate who’s a girl. And I love it.

It makes me think of Amber from f(x), the Korean group. She has lots of good guy friends and she loves it too but then at the same time, she said that because of them, she has high expectations for her future husband. For me, I’m new in this field of having guy friends and I’m not as close to mine as Amber is with hers, but I can see that. I mean, in a way having a good guy friend is like having a brother. And I’ve always wanted same age or older brothers (no offense Chris).

But then how will it be when I meet someone I’m actually attracted to? How does that whole thing work? Will the attraction bud from an originally platonic relationship? Eh, I don’t really think so. When I’m drawn to someone, I know what’s going on. But then again, I know what’s going on and that means I act slightly differently and I don’t want that. I want to mature from friends to uh…lovers, kind of? Gah, using ‘lovers’ sounds weird, so let’s just so from friends to more. *ooh, so mysterious*

Geez, it’s already almost 1:30 am. If you’ve actually gotten this far, congrats. You’ve survived a long, winding journey through my thoughts, haha. And if you happen to be one of the people I mentioned here, thanks for reading?- If you want to chat afterwards, go ahead. I was actually hesitant putting this up because you guys could read this, but I risked it because well, I’m almost positive you won’t (except maybe Jamel) and if you do, it’s fair game. Let this be our conversation starter.

Thanks again, dear readers, for reading yet another one of my posts~

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