I was on a low today. I felt like a slug, just taking up space and stressing out everyone. I mean, it’s different than if I was on my own because my actions (or lack thereof) also affect my parents, usually by stressing them out. My mom is taking it especially hard because she’s worried about how I’ll live next year in my apartment. She sees me napping two hours randomly or surfing the net and worries about how I’ll manage myself when there’s no one over me. “You don’t act like an adult!” she says frustrated when she sees me. It’s weird having someone worrying over me. Yes, my parents did worry over me when I was at Iowa, but now that I’m in front of them and they can visibly see how I’m doing, their concerns are accentuated. Heck, just being here stresses them out.
On top of stressing out my parents, I haven’t been accomplishing much so far. Tomorrow will be the start of my fourth week of summer. That’s…crazy. I can honestly look back and say that I haven’t done much. It’s sad but it’s a fact and I can choose to dwell on it and wallow in my failure, or I can choose to attack the rest of summer with a fresh vigour. Today as I was running, I chose to do the latter.
Now, this isn’t to say that I won’t relapse to my sluggish state. I’m most likely going to be tempted to do so. But I need to seriously wake up. Other people are working this summer or have internships. I have nothing until I go to Beijing and it’s a blessing that could turn into a curse. I could end up gaining weight, getting dumber, and losing my edge during the rest of this month. Or, I could learn, cook, work out, and create.
The better option is pretty obvious, but it’s hard. And honestly, I’ve avoided it because it is hard and because I don’t want to fail. And because I haven’t pushed myself, I lost faith in myself. Even now, I’m not 100% confident in myself, but until then I’ll work up gusto and swagger until I get there.
Ahaha, this is like my second post trying to pick myself up (the other one being here). Sorry for seeming redundant, guys. But this is what’s really happening with me, believe it or not. It’s bad, I realize that and now I want it to stop. Hopefully my next post about summer will be more victorious.
Thanks for reading,