RM//soul searching

he took a pen

and wrote away,

stabbing the page viciously

as his thoughts gushed out,

wild and unrestrained

like a torrent

threatening to flood his mind,

his soul,

his sanity.

word after word,

each a slash at the road they paved before him

and the role the prescribed for him.

“it’d be a waste if you didn’t do so,”

they always said

“why waste a brilliant mind like yours?”

it was all logical to them

it all made perfect sense,

it was expected.

 

but he burned in the clothes they forced him into

and he suffocated under their compliments

always with the merciless stinger hidden under their sugar,

the thin needle puncturing him every time,

prodding him,

mocking him of his gift-

his curse.

 

but when he heard the shuffle of feet,

he slid his bullet-ridden page under his workbook

and smiled, though it was shallow

and bit down his anger to tolerance

to wait

until he could shatter the visage crafted around him

and show the world what he was truly proud of-

his pen, his rhythm,

his raw soul, spilled over a thumping beat.

 

not his brain

to be applied to math or science,

but rather the monster inside him

who was suffocated for too long

and now,

at last,

was ready to explode.

///

This is my first time writing from someone else’s perspective (Does this make this cosplay then?). I don’t know exactly how to explain how this came up…let’s start with who I cosplayed then.

His name is Kim Namjoon and he is in the top 0.01% academically in South Korea. But he wouldn’t be famous if he was just that. As I was hinting in my poem above, he decided instead to pursue his passion in rapping. Now, he is known as Rap Monster, the leader of the Korean group Bangtan Boys/BTS (translated as Bulletproof Boys).

*Don’t worry, this won’t be a post to fangirl over BTS. This is serious.*

I’m absolutely fascinated by Rapmon’s story. I mean, he could have literally been anything but he chose music instead. I’m sure it shocked many people, especially his parents who most likely wanted him to become a famous lawyer or doctor. But instead, he chose to use his brain for his music. In a way, it seems like a really bold form of rebellion. But is it? Isn’t it more like he’s just doing what he was destined to do? I mean, even if he wasn’t a genius, he would still be doing music.

He’s expressed his frustration through his music before, especially since people from the underground rap scene were throwing shade on him for becoming an ‘idol’ of sorts (though BTS isn’t exactly your typical K-Pop idol group, but whatever). Take a listen to this track from his mixtape:

How then does this link to me?

I am not by any far chance as smart as Rapmon is. And I’m not as gifted as he is in music. But I kind of resonate with his frustrations about being prescribed to do something. But right now, I’m not as sure as he is. Unlike him, I can easily go either way. I’m not extraordinarily gifted in music or science to be demanded to go in either. It’s up to me.

Or is it? (haha) Because obviously, the smarter choice would be to stay in engineering. It’s secure and I’m guaranteed a comfortable lifestyle. I’ll get a healthy salary and I’ll always be on demand. I’ll be respected and in other words, I’ll blend in. I’ll graduate, probably get my Master’s degree, work, get married, have kids, retire, then the end. Just like the majority of the world. And I’m not saying that this is a bad lifestyle or less than the life of a celebrity. We all have our lives and we are the ones in charge of milking the most out of them.

But still, a part of me isn’t fully satisfied. Does this mean that I’ll go into the music industry? No. Does this mean that I’ll change my major? Who knows? But as of now, I don’t know what I want. All I know is that I’m not getting as much as I think I should. I’m not saying that there should be sparkles and spontaneous music when I find my destiny, but at least I should feel like it’s right. 

Or maybe I’m too much of a dreamer. Maybe I will just end up in an office. And I’ll probably be fine. I’ll most likely still be doing music on the side and blog. I’ll still laugh and smile and have good times. But still I can’t give up this notion of finding it. Finding what I’m meant to be, what I’m created for. Even if it means that life will be harder and I’ll end up living in a smaller house and with less. At least I’ll be at peace with my soul and with God. Because while I’m here, I want to do what He planned for me.

Maybe it’s all a mirage, something beautiful floating in the distance, only to be a fabrication from circumstances and my longings. I don’t know. If it is, at the least I’ll find out soon enough.

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