Today I realized amongst a room of strangers that I cannot care or look after anyone the way God can. I cannot comfort anyone like Him, I cannot dry their tears like God, and ultimately I cannot be their hope and their sunshine.
It can seem like I’m like that, like I can shine light into people’s lives. People have told me that before; that I’m so bubbly, that I’m always so happy, that I’m sunlight dancing, waltzing through their darkness. And I feel honored that I am seen as that, that I can bring happiness to someone, however fleeting it may be.
But at the same time, I’m not always sunshine and roses. It’s not always sunshine I bring, and I definitely am not made of sunshine myself. If anything, all I do is reflect the sunshine, warmth, and love I receive from the people around me and from God. But I seem to have forgotten this; I seem to have forgotten that I am in fact not made of light. I am human, I am imperfect, I am flawed.
I cannot try to replace God and should not try to take His burden upon myself. I am only one girl, one mirror to Christ amongst many others. And yes, I definitely can scatter light to those around me, but I am not ultimately the source myself. I am not the sun; I am a mirror, and a broken one at that.
I always prided myself in my ability to bring joy to others. I love to make people smile or at least grin at my enthusiasm. It feels good to make others feel good, you know? But I think in the middle of all this, I forgot where I derive my joy from. And when I hurt people, I feel like I’ve disappointed them, like I’ve taken away their sunshine and their light. But that’s extremely vain and selfish of me. I’m not the sun, not even a candle compared to the joy Christ gives. And yet, I feel the responsibility to share the light as if I am the sun myself.
I’m not sure if my thoughts are making sense actually, but just…this is an incredible epiphany for me. It seems simple enough; obviously you’re not God, Ashley. But just think it again, one more time; I am NOT God. I am not light; I am a reflector of light. I can share sunshine and joy, definitely, but not because I am sunshine and joy. I simply share because I have been given so much, to the point of overwhelming, to the point where it spills out to everyone. And that’s all I’ve been called to do, to be filled and overflow to people around me. Not to be the sun, but to spread the light.
I haven’t written something like this in a long time. It’s honestly a bit weird but refreshing to write about this, though, something important to my faith, to my core. I don’t know how many of my readers will understand what I mean, but either way, thank you for reading and I hope perhaps my honest musings shed some light your way as well.
And to utsukushi-me, I’m sure you’ve gathered quite quickly the origin of this piece. Perhaps? Maybe? I mean, God’s blessed you with a good head, I hope you have haha. Here’s another one to add to the list. And as always, thank you~