Fear?…

Is it bad to want something?- Like, to want it to the point that you’re willing to thrust yourself fully into it, like a mad person, even if there’s failure?…

For the first time in a while, I am finding myself really wanting something but almost everything looks stacked against me, haha. And yet my heart rages on, urging me, pushing me to push myself over the edge of dedication. But I don’t know if I want it, because what if at the end I’m crushed by failure? What if rather than rebounding from it, I’m crushed from my fall, crippled? 

No, that’s thinking too much. I know that I’ll always be able to draw on myself to move again, even if it hurts or if I’ve been discouraged.

I’m amazed at myself, I seriously haven’t wanted something this much for a long time. I think the last time this happened was when I wanted to win the solo concerto competition because I knew it was my only chance. And I won it and got to play as a soloist and it was great. But this?

There’s an amazing internship opportunity in LA with the Korean American Coalition. Why LA?- I have an uncle who lives there and also LA is home to Koreatown. By going there for an internship, I can get good experience and exposure to Korea and be surrounded by other Korean Americans, because we are our own strain of people.

I’m really excited about it but also in a weird, illogical way, scared of throwing myself into it. Because it’ll be sad if after all I do, I don’t get in. But why am I overanalyzing this before I even start?- Why am I making this harder for myself? I mean, I already know that I want to do it. I mean, ironically, it’s pushing me to want to study harder because my transcript will be sent to them. I can’t let my engineering courses bomb and expect to get the internship. I need to do well and also use my next semester to really shine in my desired field.

And yet…still, the tiny scared voice of ‘what if I fail?’ continues to haunt me. And I guess that’s the major issue with me; I very rarely really want something, to the point that I throw all of myself into it. I usually try to keep my distance and be ready to separate, just in case. But at the same time, by doing this, I inhibit giving all of me into my work. And so, I convince myself out of it, that it’s okay if I don’t get it.

But with this, I feel like once I dedicate myself to the pursuit of getting the internship, I know that it won’t be okay if I don’t get it. And I guess I need to learn that it’s okay that I will be affected by my failure. After all, it’s not like I’m immune to it; it’ll happen to me eventually. But still, just I feel like I don’t want to be completely blinded by my desire to the reality that I can in fact still fail.

Gosh, why won’t I just let myself LIKE something, fully, ridiculously, without any limits?-

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