my catharsis + rambling

It’s frustrating when you want to talk to someone out of instinct, but then you

can’t.

I mean, of course you can

but the ability to do something versus if it’s right (appropriate, fitting for the time being)

is something very different than permissibility.

Things change so fast, don’t they? When once, not too long ago, you let yourself pour out, no inhibitions because you trusted someone because you knew that they would be there to care, no matter what (or so they said)

and then one day, that’s taken away from you-

what do you, what are you supposed to do

with all the words hanging in your mouth, ready to burst?

Should you just let them expire? Don’t those thoughts and emotions deserve some moment of life?

 

catharsis

is defined as the process of releasing something,

an emotion, a thought, a word, a tear, a laugh, a scream

and yet, with you

I feel as if that’s taken away from me (as if it’s restricted, not allowed). It only makes sense, doesn’t it? This is what always happens in cases as these.

my catharsis, then, is just letting things evaporate,

float up into space, up to God

because only He knows what this is.

///

Transitions are sticky things, aren’t they? I thought that I had already finished getting over something, but apparently not because when he asked me to revise something it all felt strangely ironic and maybe even wrong but it shouldn’t be wrong because that’s what we are now, then, acquaintances  or business partners, here’s something please correct it for me and that’s all, no person behind it, just words on a screen with errors for me to fix and it shouldn’t matter who wrote the words but it does because there’s memories but this is business and that’s all and that’s all and that’s all

And yet I’m still forging on. I have my entire life ahead of me and it’s not worth wasting it thinking about the past and a person who at the present doesn’t (shouldn’t) mean much in my life. I need to redefine and I need to adapt. I’ve moved so many times in my life before, I should be good at this. But, alas.

I will rise victorious over this.

I will. And this is more for myself, to tell myself and assure myself that I will grow and that I will become stronger and more sure of myself, my identity in Christ, my future, who I am.

~ajc

 

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