17.07.26 quelque nuit blanche

“And I guess that’s where I’m torn.

I see too much magic.”

I wrote this when I was a freshman, three years ago. It was after a conversation with my roommate, where I had a meltdown and was crying, frustrated that I had even a hint of a desire to not be an engineer when I had the ability to be one, to do math and science and do them well. I felt like I was being selfish.

I’ve kind of (read:occasionally, when I’m feeling more confident about myself) gotten over the guilt of feeling selfish. But still, it persists. And on top of it, worries about the future, worries about if what I’m doing now is leading to what I’ll be doing later, and this sense that I’m supposed to/going to do something with my life. Something significant, meaningful. Some thing.

“Music is a service, not a transaction…it does something to create community…the actual purpose of music is an offering.” (Yo-yo Ma)

Reading this felt like something slipped into place.

I’m not a brilliant musician, I don’t think. I can’t whip up something magical or breathtaking like some of my other friends. But I can write music. And I can collaborate and hold my ground with other musicians. And that is where I thrive, in the midst of creating community, intimate creative community, raw community. I feel the most vibrant (?) when I’m having a jam session with my friends and creativity feels like a presence in the room, a common thread pushing us out yet simultaneously pulling us in.

And what now, then? This question is a constant as of late. So what? What now?

And yet, after talking to a dear friend who called me because she could tell that I was distressed, I feel a bit better, like something is alleviated, like it’s going to be okay.

We’ll just have to see from now, then. Where this takes me, where God takes me.

clear as tears

way back when

they said that rain was when gods cried

//over the misery of the world? because they felt bad for their creatures?//

but crying always did me good,

as if I needed the tears

to clear my vision

and help me see again

 

so maybe then these god tears

are a shot at redemption:

everything is washed away,

a final burst of emotion

before the start of a new day

 

~ ~ ~

I felt obligated, or rather, the impulse to write because it’s presently raining outside and it’s been a while since it rained and I’m excited to see how the world will look more fresh tomorrow.

clear as tears, perhaps

washed away

Anyhow. I’m tired but I wanted to put something up, anything, perhaps as a sign that my creative mind is still bustling around and aching to be heard.

~ajc

Night Thoughts: The Ark, Intentional Music

*gosh darn, I wanted my next post to be about something else but oh well…that’ll be for later…*

Hello all. Sorry it’s been a while but I’ve been busy (AHAHAH nothing’s changed) and yesterday was extremely bizarre because I had a hot flash in the middle of the night and also the whole what will I do with my life thing still exists and now I’m rambling oh dear…

Point being said, I treated myself after my programming exam today by catching up on the latest Korean MV releases. First, I watched Jinusean’s “Tell Me One More Time”¬†which made me happy because old-school music always does. (wow, your sentence structure and grammar is so on par, Chong…)

Then I watched this. Continue reading “Night Thoughts: The Ark, Intentional Music”

11:11

A familiar, magical time

and I immediately reach into the crevices of my mind-

what do I wish for?

But this time, no exact figment of thought

rushes to the front;

there’s no competition of ideas

jostling, wrestling for my attention.

Rather, my mind

or perhaps my soul,

is tired and sighs,

simply wanting everything to work out

and for things to be okay.

///

but when they’re not, they still must be written about